


Another Fine Myth You've Gotten Us Into

by Queerily_kai, romanticalgirl



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-23 21:57:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19159771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queerily_kai/pseuds/Queerily_kai, https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: Everything is Clint's fault.





	Another Fine Myth You've Gotten Us Into

***

Chapter 1.

 

“It’s not my fault!”

It is, in fact, Clint’s fault.

Without a doubt, one-hundred percent Clint’s fault. 

If it were the kind of world where percentages didn’t quite work right, it would be roughly 153 percent Clint’s fault. 

The other 47 percent would just be Bucky’s damn bad luck.

***

Chapter 2.

“I’m just saying that if you guys would let me bring Reginald along this would all be so much easier.”

Sam leans in toward Bucky, tilting his head. “Who’s Reginald again?”

“Clint’s imaginary friend.”

“He’s not imaginary.” 

Natasha sighs heavily and closes her eyes, leaning back against her chair. 

Clint looks to her for help, but there’s obviously none coming from that quarter. “He’s as real as you or me.”

“I don’t know that that’s a compelling argument,” Bucky drawls. “Brainwashed assassin, dumbass science experiment.” Steve’s brow furrows. Bucky ignores him and points at Bruce. “Even dumber-ass science experiment.”

“Why am I dumber?” Bruce asks.

“Because you’re smart as hell, so you should have been smart enough to _know better_. That makes you dumber than Captain Sacrifice over there.”

“Hey!” Steve sputters as Bruce shrugs.

“Guy who talks to ants. Girl who shoots red energy. God of thunder. All of us are too weird to be real.”

“But we _are_ ,” Clint crows triumphantly. “Ergo, by your own logic, Reginald is real.”

“Did he just say ‘ergo’?” Rhodey asks.

“Ergo means I’m right.” Clint crosses his arms over his chest, smug and satisfied.

“Sure. You’re a regular Big Bird.” Tony’s leaning back, his eyes closed. “I can’t wait to meet Snuffleupagus.”

“Who?” Bucky looks at Steve, realizes looking at him for any kind of help is a ridiculous proposition, and turns to Sam. “Who?”

“Aloysius Snuffleupagus. He’s from…” Sam stops. “Yeah. Never mind, man. Just roll with it. I’m not explaining Sesame Street to you.”

“Hey!” Steve straightens. “I was on Sesame Street.” He elbows Bucky. “I met Grover.”

“Who?” Bucky spreads his hands. “Natasha? Anyone?”

“Don’t worry about it, James.” Natasha doesn’t open her eyes. “Just tell Steve you’re impressed.”

“Grover’s impressive,” Steve says.

“No one’s arguing Grover’s standing, man.” Sam rubs his head. “Why are we talking about this again?”

“Because,” Bucky narrows his eyes as he looks at Clint. “Clint insists he has a secret weapon.”

“He’s not a secret weapon. He’s a unicorn. A flying purple unicorn.”

“Wait. What the fuck?” Bucky finally throws up his hands. “Unicorns can fly now?” He gets out of his seat and stalks toward the back of the quinjet. “I can’t believe you’re picking on a _brainwashed assassin_.”

“Previously brainwashed,” Clint reminds him, raising his voice to make sure he’s heard. “You got better!”

***

Chapter 3.

“This would be so much easier if you’d let me bring in –” 

“Do _not_ say Reginald,” Tony snaps as he blasts the stinger off of a scorpion the size of an SUV. 

“I could move around. Get better shots.”

“He could stab things with his horn,” Bucky adds, slightly breathless from the power behind the punch he lands, sending another scorpion flying backward where it lands with a sickening crash, something wet and squelching that’s louder than the death cries it’s making.

“Exactly! Barnes gets me.” Clint’s arrow hits the center of the cephalothorax, beeps twice, and then explodes, shattering the exoskeleton. Another round of death throes, pitched high and sharp even though the comms. “I could kill at least twice as many of these things if I was on Reginald.”

The sound of the shield zinging through the air, ricocheting off buildings and bodies, overrides everything for a moment. “I don’t suppose we could concentrate?”

Bucky aims his rifle at Steve, fires just as Steve ducks, turns, and whips the shield in front of him. The scorpion’s stinger hits the shield, but Bucky’s bullet hits the scorpion. 

The bullet wins.

“Maybe don’t worry about us concentrating and try not to get killed, huh?” Bucky shakes his head and starts forward toward the next mass of creatures. “Dumbass.”

“I heard that!”

“You were meant to!”

“I could have swooped down and picked up Cap. I could drop him into battle somewhere else.”

“That’s what Sam, Rhodey, and I are here for. You’re here to blow stuff up with your sticks.”

“Yeah, but you wouldn’t have to haul me around.”

“Why don’t you stop talking about your imaginary friend.” Tony fires on a writhing pile of the bugs – arachnids – segmenting them. “If he’s not here to help us, I don’t want to hear about him.”

“He’s got his own job.”

“Can we focus?” Natasha growls. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m getting tired of dodging stingers. Maybe we finish killing all of these before we get into discussing unicorn labor laws or something?”

“Incoming,” Sam calls out, a series of rockets targeting the newest horde of scorpions. “Have we got the person doing this yet?”

Wanda lands in the middle of another group and with a flash of red they’re body parts and squeals of death. “Vision is with him. He’s working on the transmitter.”

Suddenly all the remaining scorpions falter, then fall to the ground. Rhodey lands and kicks one of the bodies. “Any idea what we should do with a whole bunch of genetically modified giant scorpions?”

“I could shoot them,” Bucky offers, then glances over to see Steve looking at him. He rolls his eyes. “But they’re defenseless now, and that would be bad.”

“We could remove the stingers?” Clint suggests as Tony deposited him on the ground. 

“We don’t want to do that.” Bruce comes over from where he’d been waiting in reserve in the quinjet. “It effectively kills them, it just takes longer to do it.”

“Do I want to know why?” Tony asks.

“No. I’m assured you don’t.” Vision joins them. “The perpetrator is in custody. I would suggest we take them to a remote area; however, that leaves the possibility of someone finding them and using them for their own purposes.”

Steve sighs. “So we kill them.”

“I could have Reginald open the portal. We could put them in there.”

“Don’t ask, Bucky. Don’t…” Bucky sighs. “Where is there?”

“Where Reginald lives.”

“Clint, is Reginald’s...universe, for lack of a better word, equipped to handle giant scorpions?”

“I’d have to ask.”

“I fear that sending them to another dimension would likely cause a disturbance there, and we don't know that they have the capacity to deal with them.”

“There’s a lot of stuff they have to deal with,” Clint assures him. “Giant scorpions are nothing.”

“Still.” Vision exhales despite the fact that it’s unnecessary. “Captain? If I may?”

Steve scrubs his face with his hand, though it only serves to make it more of a mess. “Yeah. Just make it quick. The rest of us will start cleanup.”

“Of course.” The mind stone shimmers and then a beam starts cutting through carapaces. The rest of them start picking up the pieces and piling them on top of each other until Bucky drags over several dumpsters for them to use. As soon as one is full, Tony welds it shut. 

“I’ll take these back and destroy them,” Tony lifts one of the dumpsters, wavering slightly until he stablizes both himself and the weight. 

“Right behind you with the second one.” Rhodey does the same thing as the rest of them continue filling dumpster after dumpster. 

Natasha drops a piece of scorpion in, wipes her hands on her thighs, and sighs. “I hate cleanup.”

“One of the advantages to being an assassin,” Bucky agrees, this time ignoring Steve’s look. “Alongside not having to fight fucking giant scorpions.”

“Don’t even say it, Romanoff,” Steve warns. 

She goes over to Bucky and leans in, making sure everyone hears her through the comms. “Language.”

***

Chapter 4.

 

It’s late and there’s alcohol.

This is in no way a good combination.

This is the kind of combination that ends in dares, attempted world takeovers, and prank calling the other superhero teams until someone calls Steve and makes him go full on dad mode, stomp into the room, and tell them all to behave.

Assuming Steve’s not taking part.

Either way it ends up with someone asking to get spanked, Steve turning every shade of red imaginable, then leaving the room or taking another drink. Once he took off his belt and half the Avengers and Avengers-adjacent gaped in shock while the others – Scott, Bucky, Clint, Natasha, and Thor – had all vied to be first.

Thor asked him to use Mjolnir and Clint asked for the utility belt. 

_Then_ Steve took another drink and left the room. 

Tonight, Steve’s nowhere to be found and it’s just Sam, Natasha, Bucky, and Clint.

Wherever he is in the world, Steve is very, very afraid and has no idea why.

“Okay, so let me get this straight.” Sam is a veteran, so he understands drinking and being drunk, but he’s neither the Winter Soldier or the Black Widow, which means he’s already outmatched, but he’s also not Clint, who has the unnatural ability to not die. Sam is very, very drunk. “You’ve got a unicorn.”

“A flying purple unicorn,” Natasha reminds him. 

“Right. A flying, purple unicorn. Is that a pegasus?”

“No.” Bucky shakes his head and takes another drink. “Pegasus doesn’t have a horn.”

“Correct,” Cint beams. “I have a flying purple unicorn. Well, he belongs to himself, so I don’t have him. We're just buddies.”

“How’d you meet him?”

“Remember that time I had that mission in eastern Europe?” They all stare at him blankly and he nods. “Right. That was classified. Pretend I said nothing. I was just hanging out in Bratislava...no wait. Um...Yeah. Just hanging out in Europe and there was a portal thing. Shit. This is all classified. Bad things, boom things, we had a beer.”

“Unicorns – excuse me,” Sam clears his throat. “Flying purple unicorns drink beer?”

“Well, Reginald does. I can’t speak for the rest of them.”

“I can’t believe _The Last Unicorn_ was a lie.” Sam shakes his head. “My world is seriously messed up now.”

“So, what? A portal opened, a flying purple unicorn flew out, and?”

Sam looks at Bucky. “How are you so blase about this?”

Bucky levels a flat gaze at him. “I’m over a hundred years old, I look like I’m in my late twenties, I am a world-renowned assassin, I’m Captain America’s dead best friend, and aliens have shown up on earth how many times? And did I mention that my best friend is also over a hundred years old, was frozen in ice for seventy years, and is Captain America? It’s going to take a lot more than you knowing a unicorn for me to lose my shit.”

“What exactly would it take?” Natassha asks as she leans forward, her mouth curved in a knowing smile. “Curious.”

Bucky flips her off and takes another drink. “Does he speak English?”

“And, for some reason, German. Also Dragon and Elvish, I think.”

“I need more alcohol. Nat? You need more alcohol?”

“Need? No.” She looks over the back of the couch as Sam heads toward the bar. “But if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll take a refill.”

“A refill will make me feel better. Company’s always appreciated.”

“Misery and all that?”

“This is my life now. You know that? Some smartass runner appreciates my fine black ass, and now my life includes aliens and fucking unicorns. All I had before that was traumatized military vets.”

“If it helps, Steve and I are traumatized military vets.” Bucky leans back so he can see Sam. “So you still have that.”

“So how do you get in touch with him?” Natasha accepts the drink Sam gives her. “Do you have a bat signal or something?”

“Offer up a virgin?” Bucky frowns. “Wait, don’t unicorns need a virgin? You’ve got three kids. How the hell did you manage that.”

“That’s a myth. Well, I mean, it’s true, but not once they’ve bred. Then they can hang with whoever.”

Sam downs his drink, sets the glass on the table, then buries his face in his hands. “Become an Avenger, he said. Save the world, he said.” He lifts his face up and shouts loudly. “You’re an asshole, Rogers.”

“You didn’t know that right out of the gate? Why are people still fooled by him?” Bucky shakes his head. “Seriously, it just takes one conversation.”

“He can be very earnest,” Natasha reminds him. “And he’s got that blond hair, blue eyes thing going on. It’s misleading.”

Bucky blows a raspberry. “His actual super power is fooling people.” 

Nat, Clint, and Sam all shrug, agreeing with him. Natasha takes a drink and turns, settling her feet on Sam’s lap. “So, back to the unicorn.”

Clint ignores Sam’s whimper. “We have a thing.”

“You have a _thing_ with a unicorn?”

“I am faithful to Laura, I’ll have you know. We have this link. Mental link. He rubbed his horn against my forehead. Apparently that gives you a psychic link. So I think ‘Hey, Reginald, let’s hang,’ and he shows up.”

“I am going to regret this for the rest of my life,” Sam says with a resigned sigh. “Call him.”

“Sweet.” Clint sits up and puts his hands on either side of his face and closes his eyes, his face scrunching up.

“You look constipated,” Bucky says.

Clint ignores him, face scrunching tighter, and then he relaxes. Before anyone can say anything, there’s a rap at the balcony door. 

Sam turns and stares. “I’ve had too much to drink.”

“Not yet,” Bucky says, his gaze out the sliding glass doors where there is a shimmering purple unicorn with a pearlescent pink horn; a lavender, blue, and fuschia mane; matching fuschia wings; and sparkling stars on its face and hind. “Because that’s real.”

“Mm.” Natasha hums. 

“Hey! You got a cat.” Clint waves at Reginald who walks through the glass, as if it doesn’t even exist. They all look at Natasha who is stroking a cat so black it looks like a gap in the universe. “Reginald says her name is Liho.”

“Yes,” Natasha nods. “It is.”

“Right.” Sam stands up. “Barnes? More booze.” 

Bucky nods. “Hit me.”

**

Tony walks into the room, scratching his back with a screwdriver. He glances over the four of them, Sam and Clint sleeping it off and Bucky and Natasha turned to keep the sun out of their eyes. “Morning.” He heads for the coffee maker, stops at the edge of the counter, walks backwards and stares at Natasha. “You have a cat.”

“Liho,” Bucky tells him.

“When did you get a cat?”

“Last night.”

“You went out last night and got a cat?”

“Not exactly.” Natasha scratches between Liho’s ears. 

“I probably don’t want to know.” Tuny nods and turns back toward the kitchen. He gets two more steps when he stops, backs up again, and looks at the area between Bucky’s chair and the sofa Natasha’s sitting on. “Is that what I think it is?”

“Depends,” Bucky tells him. “Do you think it’s anything other than a shimmery purple winged unicorn?”

“Nope. That’s pretty much what I was thinking it is.”

“Then yes. It’s what you think it is.”

“So it wasn’t bullshit.”

“Could be a group hallucination,” Bucky says with a shrug. “But, knowing our lives, I’m guessing not.”

Steve walks in and stops, turning around and walking out again. He walks back in backward, Thor’s hands on his upper arms guiding him. “Thor, if you’re my friend, you will let me go as far away from here as possible.”

“I am your friend, Steven, but you cannot let fear guide you.”

“I’m not afraid.”

“Rogers, you saw a guy rip his face off. You can handle a sparkly unicorn.”

Steve sighs and hangs his head, letting it thump against Thor’s chest. “Why?”

“We don’t know,” Natasha admits. “Clint’s the only one who can talk to him. I mean, I suppose we could, but to understand him, he has to rub his horn on your head.”

“Of course he does.” Steve tries to burrow his face further in Thor’s chest and receives a few consoling pats on the back in return.

“My friend Valkyrie has a Pegasus. Perhaps she can speak to the unicorn.”

“Reginald,” Natasha says. “His name’s Reginald.”

Bucky scoots down in his chair and kicks Clint in the shin. “Barton. Wake up.”

Reginald stands up and looks down at Bucky. The content expression that had been on his face changes and he looks annoyed. He makes a low noise and snorts at Bucky.

Bucky wipes his face. “Not my fault he’s the only one who can talk to you.” Reginald starts to lean forward, and Bucky jerks back. “Fuck, no. I’ve already had enough people in my head.”

Reginald blows a raspberry and turns his head. He carefully steps over the coffee table and goes straight to Steve. Steve takes a step away. Reginald moves forward again, then stops, eyes going wild.

“Um, Clint? Help?”

Reginald lunges forward and smacks Steve in the head with his horn. Steve yelps – a sound he’ll likely deny making – and falls back, landing hard on his ass on the floor. Thor grabs Reginald by the mane, large hand buried in it.

“Peace, friend.”

Reginald looks at Thor, then down at Steve. He pulls away from Thor’s grip and jabs Steve with the horn. Bucky moves up on his side, metal arm ready to grab him, when Reginald whips his head around, teeth bared.

“It’s okay, Buck.” Steve sits up, hands on both sides of his head. “I’m okay.”

“That was nonconsensual head-butting.”

“Pretty sure head-butting is never consensual.” Steve grabs Thor’s hand and lets him help pull Steve to his feet. “He panicked.”

“Who?”

“Reginald. There’s a problem.”

“Yeah. He’s going around head-butting Captain America.”

“Someone – something – has ripped open a portal between his world and ours. He thinks something caught the opening he made and tore it open.”

“I suppose the cat’s magical too?” Sam stands up and gives Liho a quick glance out of the corner of his eye. Natasha gives him a shrug and an enigmatic smile as she strokes the impossibly black fur. “So what’s going to happen now? A bunch of unicorns are gonna show up?”

Something dark flies by the window, blotting out the sun. Bucky walks over and looks out. “I don’t think those are unicorns.”

Clint comes over along with the rest of the Avengers and looks out the window as a swarm of creatures fly past. “So. This looks bad.”

**

“If I wanted to see _Clash of the Titans_ , I’d have watched it on Netflix,” Tony informs them all via their comms. “The real one. The Harry Hamlin one.” 

They’re all standing on the helipad at the top of Stark Tower and looking around them. The streets and skies are flooded with mythical creatures. Steve rubs his forehead. “They look like they’re all headed toward Central Park.”

“Well then,” Bucky sighs, resigned. “I guess we are too.”

They’re not even all the way there when the fighting starts. Tony and Sam are in the air going up against what Jarvis has informed them are cockatrices – two-legged dragons with rooster heads - and Stymphalian Birds – man-eating birds with bronze beaks and metallic feathers.

Natasha’s next to a sand pit that suddenly appeared, fighting with a group of cerastae, rows of horns showing as they lunge at her, mouths wide. Clint’s in the air on Reginald, shooting arrows down on a group of elephant-sized creatures with a horse-type head and three horns coming out of their foreheads.

Bruce is hulked out, attacking a stampede of Minotaurs. He punches them and flings them against trees, and their bellows can be heard all over the park. Steve is surrounded by Lemaean hydras, and his groan and “Really?” actually makes most of them laugh. Bucky’s on his way over to help when a whirlpool opens underneath him, sucking in air like it’s breathing.

He swims against the pull of it, pushing through, making very little headway. He can hear something thrumming in the sky and looks up, half expecting to see a dragon. Instead it’s a news helicopter. It swings down closer to Bucky, then it’s jerked away as a bunch of green tentacles surge out of the whirlpool.

He risks another look just in time for the tentacle to smash the helicopter into the large rocks at the edge of the whirlpool. He can’t get a good look at the damage, if there’s anyone alive. He fights against the current, the sounds in his coms drowned out by the sucking sound coming from the whirlpool. He’s almost to the edge when he feels the tentacle wrap around him, squeezing tight as it lifts him out of the water.

As soon as he’s in the air, his comms start working again. The first thing he hears is Clint’s voice.

“It’s not my fault!”

***

Chapter 5.

 

It is, in fact, Clint’s fault.

Without a doubt, one-hundred percent Clint’s fault.

If it were the kind of world where percentages didn’t quite work right, it would be roughly 153 percent Clint’s fault.

The other 47percent would just be Bucky’s damn bad luck.

***

Chapter 6.

 

He’s down to handguns and knives, most of his arsenal lost in the maw of the whirlpool. He shoots down at the center of the tentacles, all the while trying to slice through the tough skin. He’s just managed to get through it to the flesh underneath when another tentacle wraps around his legs. Clint and Reginald fly over him and Clint releases a volley of arrows, one of them hitting Bucky in the shoulder, just above where the metal joins the flesh, when the creature holding him jerks him to the side.

“Sorry!”

Bucky yanks the arrow out and stabs it into the cut he’s made. The creature starts waving its tentacles wildly and Bucky’s jolted around, his aim going wide.

“Thor!” Steve’s panting, and Bucky can hear the shield in the background, can hear the shriek of the Hydras. “Can you get the portal closed?”

“I will need the help of Barton’s companion.”

“Okay. You two get on that. How are we doing?”

“Not dead yet.”

Tony snorts. “That’s cheery, Romanoff.”

“Better than the alternative.”

No one argues as Thor heads toward the open portal, still spilling creatures out. Bucky loses his air support as Clint flies away. The creature seems to realizes it’s only being fought on one front, because another tentacle wraps around Bucky until he’s covered from shoulders to feet, all of them getting tighter and tighter.

Sam flies his way, and the birds following him drop razor sharp feathers as Sam dives. He skims just out of reach of the tentacles, then pulls up; and the creature holding Bucky makes a sound as the feathers pierce its skin, then jerks its tentacles down. When he looks down, Bucky sees a wide circle of rows and rows of sharp teeth. The mouth seems to be rising as the tentacles drag Bucky down. He works his hand between two of the tentacles and starts shooting again.

Suddenly there’s a loud roar followed by a shower of lightning. Bucky’s too busy to look up, at least until the lightning hits the water and the creature and electricity zings through Bucky’s entire body. “ _Shit_!”

 

A beam of golden light cuts through the air and slices through the tentacles holding Bucky. He squints against the light and makes out Clint as he sweeps out of the sky toward him. The light is like a laser coming from Reginald’s horn, and as soon as he’s sliced free, Bucky grabs hold of one of the flailing limbs and uses it to fling himself toward the edge of the whirlpool. 

He’s headed straight for the ground, about to hit the rocks, when suddenly he’s on the back of a flying unicorn, legs hanging off one side and his arms off the other. He stares at the stars sparkling on Reginalds back leg. 

They land lightly, and Bucky immediately slides off, drawing one of his handguns. The tentacles are withering like dying balloons, the water receding. Looking around, he sees all of the creatures being pulled toward the shadows, melting into darkness. The rest of the team heads toward where Bucky, Clint, and Reginald are standing. They all look a little worse for wear, though Steve seems to have had the worst of it, his uniform singed, burns on his face. “What the hell happened to you?”

“I think I was ground zero for the lightning strike.”

“I apologize, Captain.”

“No need, Thor. The hydras got it worse than I did.”

Bucky wonders how bad he looks given the electricity coursing through whatever monster it was that had him. He feels like his muscles are still twitching from the shock. Reginald turns to him and starts nibbling on Bucky’s hair.

“Even the unicorn thinks you look like a hobo,” Sam says with a laugh.

Bucky flips him off. “So what exactly happened?”

Reginald whinnies and Steve and Clint both rub their foreheads. Clint slides off of Reginald and leans against him. “Once Thor closed the portal, the lightning disrupted their powers to exist outside their own dimension.”

“And how do we make sure the portal stays closed to them?” Clint shrugs at Bruce. “I mean, this was sort of a fluke, otherwise we’d see them around all the time.”

“Okay, but what caused the rip? I mean, does Reginald coming and going do it?”

Reginald snorts and Steve quirks a grin. “You just offended him, Sam.”

“Nah. He’s been here lots of times. I mean, otherwise how would we be friends?” Clint shrugs. “He’s not sure, but he’s going to investigate. Make sure there’s no one who’s creating tears to wreak havoc before, I don’t know, trying to take over the world.”

“Oh goodie, because we don’t have enough of that _without_ magical creatures.” Tony groans. “Jarvis, were you able to get any information on the portal before it closed?”

“I was able to register the anomaly’s signature. I’ve already set up protocols to scan for similar disturbances. If Reginald would notify us when he returns to his realm, I’ll have record of his passage to compare to today’s reading.”

“Great. Maybe compile a list of other creatures we might run into. Thor? You have any in Asgard?”

“Let’s not borrow trouble, Tony.” Steve hooks his shield onto his harness. “We already get enough as it is.”

“It does seem to find us,” Natasha agrees.

“That’s _not_ my fault.”

Bucky pats Clint on the shoulder. “Not entirely.”

**

Liho’s curled around the back of Natasha’s neck, purring quietly. She’s content as long as no one gets too close. When that happens, she seems to go practically feral, all claws and teeth and raised fur.

The only one she doesn’t seem to mind is Steve, though even he gets a hairy eyeball. Still, he’s at least allowed to sit on the couch next to her. Reginald had gone back home, but Liho seems to have decided to stay.

“So the whole laser horn thing.” Tony’s sprawled on one of the chairs. “Why didn’t you mention that when you said he could fight battles with us? That might have come in handy.”

Clint shrugs. “You never seemed interested. Or like you believed me.”

“If you’d shown up riding him, we would have believed you.”

“I didn’t think of that.” Clint yawns and stretches. “I’ll ask. He’d probably want a codename though. Black Stallion maybe.”

“The Black Stallion was actually black,” Sam reminds him. “Besides, we’ve already got a Black Widow.”

“Sparkles,” Bucky drawls. “Reggie Sparkles.”

“That’s a stage name, not a code name.” Clint scoffs. “Maybe Laser.”

“That’d be like calling Steve ‘shield’ or Barnes ‘big ass rifle.’” Sam shakes his head. “Need something more subtle.”

“There’s nothing subtle about Steve. Or Tony for that matter.” Bucky hates to agree with Sam, but he has to in this case.

“He’s a flying purple unicorn with a laser horn,” Steve says dryly. “I’m not sure he falls under subtle either.”

“I still say we go with Sparkles. I mean, Steve looks like an American flag, so his costume matches his name. Same with Stark and Rhodes.”

“I don’t think he’ll like Sparkles.”

“Won’t know until you ask.”

Clint gives Bucky a dubious look, but shrugs. “Next time I see him, I’ll ask if he has ideas.”

“Sir.” Jarvis interrupts them before anyone can say anything else. “There’s been a disturbance in the fabric between realms.”

“Is it Darth Vader?” Tony asks.

“I’m afraid not, Sir. If my research is correct –”

“I made you. It is.”

“I believe Earth is about to be set upon by Typhon.”

“Who’s that?”

“According to legend, he’s the child of the earth and the depths of hell. Upright, his head brushes the stars. His lower body is two viper tails. Several dragon heads make up his hands. His wings can blot out the sun, fire flashes from his eyes.”

“Well. That sounds like a party.”

“Suit up, everyone.” Steve’s already on his way out of the room. They’ve all mastered the art of suiting up and arming themselves in hardly any time at all, so they’re on the roof when the first roar shatters the air.

“Holy shit,” Bucky and Sam say in unison as the creature, the same kind of impossible black as Liho, stands. It’s exactly as Jarvis described. Wings unfurled it takes up the whole of the horizon and there’s a thick stench in the air.

Steve flings his shield as Sam, Tony, and Thor take to the air. Typhon reaches out and the shield slices through the neck of one of the dragons of his hand. The head falls with a shriek, but another replaces it.

“Okay, this is ridiculous. Can one thing not have a head that grows back?” He catches the shield and throws it again, this time aiming for the creatures throat. 

It lets out a roar and swipes the shield away, sending it into a nearby building, almost completely embedded in the wall.

“That’s gonna be a bitch to get out,” Tony’s already in the air, shooting his repulsors at the creature. They don’t seem to have much effect other than annoying it, even when Rhodey joins in and they hit it from both sides. Natasha and Bucky take to the rooftops to get closer. Sam grabs Steve by the harness and carries him closer, though it doesn’t take much as big as the creature is.

“Not sure how much punching’s going to do, Cap.”

“if nothing else it might distract him. Otherwise, I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve.”

“I hope those tricks involve something with bullets,” Bucky snaps as he starts firing. “Not that I think they’ll do much good either.”

He and Natasha aim at the hands – dragon heads – trying to get rid of them. Sam starts firing at its wings as cold starts filtering through the darkness. Suddenly a bright laser bisects the darkness. Clint dives from the sky, aiming directly at the center mass.

Its roar rips the air, sucking the oxygen out of the atmosphere. Tony and Rhodey keep firing, their suits keeping them from gasping for breath like the rest of them. Eventually the sound stops, though it still echoes, but they can all breathe again.

“Hulk no like!” He runs at the creature and grasps one of the vipers that serve as its legs. He squeezes as Steve shoots at the other one, staying just out of reach as it tries to strike. He can’t control his aim with the gun quite as well as he does his shield, but he manages to hit the viper in the mouth several times, though that only serves to piss it off more as far as Steve can tell.

The laser cuts through the darkness again, slicing into the monster’s throat. Clint’s on Reginald’s back shooting arrows that explode on contact. Thor’s in the air, the sound of Mjolnir bright and clanging with ever impact as he swings it again and again at the head.

“This isn’t doing much of anything.” Bucky switches to his grenade launcher, aiming for the throat to take advantage of the gash Reginald madthere. It keeps ignoring the deluge of firepower, the only visible headway being where Hulk is strangling one of the vipers. Its hissing has stopped but it keeps writhing, trying to throw him off.

Suddenly a blur flies past Natasha, and all that’s visible is yellow-white teeth and claws. Familiar eyes open as Liho, twenty times her normal size, lands on Tyrion and attacks.

“Well, that’s new,” Sam says as he flies past, directing his fire at the other wing. Small pinpricks let filters of sunlight come through as his bullets puncture the webbed surface.

“Jarvis, are we doing anything?”

“I don’t think this is like a video game, Tony.” Rhodey is flying around, attempting to find soft tissue to damage. “He doesn’t have a health bar.”

“If I may, Sir.”

“Sure, Jarvis, join the conversation anytime.”

“In Greek mythology, Zeus is said to have defeated the beast with one hundred well-placed lightning strikes.”

“Yeah. If only we had a Zeus.”

“We do.” Steve says. “Thor?”

“Of course, Captain. Jarvis, does it say where exactly well-placed applies to?” Thor asks.

“I’m afraid not.”

“Well then.” He flies higher. “Perhaps Reginald could assist?”

“Sure.” Clint digs his knees into Reginald’s sides slightly and they head up higher as well. They’re almost to Thor when the lack of oxygen hits Clint’ hard and he tumbles backward.

“I got him,” Sam says, heading for Clint’s falling figure before Reginald or Thor can be distracted.

“Everyone move back,” Steve orders, and they all move toward the building Bucky’s on. The first bolt of lightning strikes at the same time Reginald’s laser lights up, both landing on the creature’s head. Its body jerks and it lashes out, one of the vipers grabbing and sinking its fangs into Steve.

Bucky jumps off the roof, following him down, but he’s snagged out of the air by one of the dragons as one of its hands swings forward to smack them all away. Tony and Rhodey fly to Bucky, working to pull him free of the dragon’s grip while Hulk and Sam head for Steve.

“Thor!” Steve’s voice is raspy. “Come on. Light him up.”

“No!” Several of them call out at once, the loudest being Bucky as he’s wrenched free. 

“Do it!” The lightning rains down with the laser and Steve’s body jolts. His voice is half the strength as it had been earlier. “Keep it up.”

“Sam!”

Sam looks up and jumps back as Natasha, riding on Liho’s back, lunges toward the viper that has Steve in his grip. Liho’s claws sink in as two of Natasha’s widow’s bites strike. The viper opens its mouth to attack, and Steve falls to the ground. Liho bolts away as Hulk grabs Steve and runs.

Explosions of lightning continually brighten the sky, natural light coming through as bolt after bolt falls down on Tyrion. The ground opens beneath him and every hit seems to drive him further, deeper. Thor and Reginald don’t stop, and the sun comes out from behind the beast as it sinks.

“Sam, Romanoff, Barton, Banner. You stay here and help with cleanup. Rhodey and I are going to get Cap and Barnes to medical, then we’ll head back to help out.”

“I’m fine,” Bucky and Steve say at the same time.

“Yeah, anybody ever believe you guys when you say that?” Sam asks.

***

Chapter 7.

 

Clint flops down on the couch and looks over at Steve and Bucky who are both sprawled out on chairs. Steve’s got his hand on his stomach, which is still bandaged: his healing process was slowed down trying to process the venom since the antivenin didn’t work. Bucky’s faring better, almost completely healed.

“Where’s Reginald?”

“Back in his dimension, helping to clean up stuff there. He said he’d pop in and say hi in a few weeks if everything goes according to plan.”

“Everything’s okay over there?” Steve sounds weak, which seems to confuse everyone, even though it’s completely understandable.

“Yeah. Establishing order and all that.”

“Did we figure out what ripped the portal open?”

“Um. Well.” Clint shrugs. “Not…well. Um.”

“Clint,” Bucky says through clenched teeth. “What did you do?”

“Nothing? Much?”

“I’ve been bitten by a dragon and nearly squeezed to death by a tentacle monster.” Bucky stands up, towering over Clint. “ _What did you do_?”

Clint flips over the back of the couch and starts running. “It’s not my fault!”

***

Chapter 8.

It was, of course, Clint’s fault.

But that goes without saying.


End file.
